My family!

My son never ceases to make me laugh. He is so much like me sometimes it's scary and he has my sense of humor. Last week I picked the kids up from school and for some reason we were talking about bad words. Now Andrew and I don't cuss in our house but the occasional crap or heck will pop out. We've taught our kids that these along with stupid, dumb, and shut up are all bad words. And to us are just a short cut to cussing. So as we're driving home and having this conversation Drew says "Mom, I didn't want to tell you but Harry Potter has a bad word in it." He was worried that if I found this out I would make him stop reading them and right now he's more than obsessed with everything HP. So I asked, Drew what bad word is in it? He said "Oh no I can't say it." So I asked him could you spell it then. So he precedes to spell the word S-H-I and by this point I'm like wow I really didn't think that word was in the book and then he ends with N. S-H-I-N! So I say N? He says yes. So I again ask Shin? Yes. I say really Shin? He says "Yes mom, quit saying it." So I say shin, as in the front part of your leg, shin? He gets this funny look on his face and says OH! I ask him Drew, what did you think a shin was? He whispers and points to his crotch "I thought it was something in this area." The book said one of the characters was going around kicking people in the shin and he thought it was a private area. The boy is beyond adorable! There's never a dull moment in the Swan house. We're always laughing about something. Just tonight we were dramatically reading the Walgreens digital  marque and just cracking up. Taking turns seeing who could say "Coke 12 packs 4/$13" in the most dramatic voice. I'm very blessed to have such a wonderful family. And if my kids only remember one thing from their childhood I hope it's that we laughed a lot.

Working like Crazy

As I lay alone in bed for what feels like the thousandth time and miss my Dude, I can't help but think of other Church on the Move employee spouses who might be going through the same thing. It's that time of year that every employee of COTM gets very busy and works until all hours of the night. I think it's especially hard on us this year because last week Andrew was in California all week for a Barco training class. He got home saturday and the kids and I counted down the minutes until we could see him. But we had to wait a little bit longer after service that Saturday because his boss wanted to have a meeting or a pep talk if you will about Celebrate with Family. He wanted to pump everyone up before the hard work started this week. A "keep your eyes on the prize" sort of meeting. And like I said as I lay here without him hoping he gets to come home soon for some rest before tackling tomorrow's tasks I can't help but wonder if that's what I and maybe other wives need, a "keep your eyes on the prize" kinda blog! We must remember that even though we're not physically putting Celebrate with Family on, we are still an important part of the process. It's us being home taking care of the kids and house that frees our husbands up to work with out worry. It's us making sure that the time they do have at home is restful and peaceful. I know that Andrew finds comfort in knowing that everything at home is running smoothly when he can't be around. We must remember that the time they are missing from home now is going to help other families come to know Christ. Yes Celebrate with Family is a fun time for COTM family members but it's also an opportunity for us to bring in people that might not go to church any other time of the year. And when those people see what our husbands and all the other employees of COTM have worked so tirelessly and diligently on they might come to know Christ as we do, as a savior and father. Therefore this time spent apart now though as difficult as it might be is worth it in the end.

My favorite sound

They say that a smell can bring back memories but I also believe certain sounds can stir the same emotions. For me it's the sound of a spoon stirring coffee, then clanging on the side of the cup, and being laid back down on the counter. That simple sound brings me back to laying in bed in the fresh morning light just waking up. The house would still be dark and quiet but I knew that sound was my dad getting up. It was that sound that made me feel warm and safe again. I was always so terribly afraid of the dark but that sound made me realize I had made it through another night and I was safe because my dad was awake and just in the next room. 

Why I write

I enjoy writing and have since I was a teenager. Mostly I write poetry but occasionally I'll write a short story. Blogging is great because even though many people may not read it, it still makes me feel like I'm getting my stuff out there to share with the world. Ok my mom and a few friends but to me that is my world. Writing for me is very therapeutic. It allows me to vent my frustration and once I see it on paper it's as if I can let it go. It's not inside haunting me anymore. I can look at it and evaluate it to determine its worth. Usually once I say it out loud I can see how impractical those feelings are and can start to heal from it. If those feelings actually have merit than it gives me a way to confront them and I can start to plan a course of action. I also have learned to write as I think other people may be feeling. I enjoy this because it gives me a better perspective on what they may be thinking. The following poem is one a wrote a few weeks ago. It's something that I've been dealing with and have been scared to admit. But writing it down and admitting it has taken the fear away and as I said I have started to heal and move on. 


Depression?
Why can't anyone see how unhappy I am?
Why do they just assume I've gone mad again?
Don't mind her, she's just crazy. I mean have you seen who she was raised by? 
But what if it's more than that?
What if I was lied to?
I can't remember this being what I signed up for. 
I always thought there would be more. 
What I'm not quite sure, but more.
Still, I don't like being this girl.
So needy yet so independent.
Surrounded by loneliness.
They should never tell little girls fairytales it only leaves them empty as women. 

Cutest couple at Target

I went to Target today with Dude and in line in front of us was the cutest older couple. They were probably in their 70s, well at least the husband was, the wife might have been in her 60s. The gentleman had their grocery cart tipped over to where it was seating on the front of the buggy. He was testing out the back wheels, spinning them one at a time. First he would spin one side then the other. The wife was lightly slapping him on the arm saying "Floyd, what are you doing?" (I don't know if that was really what she was calling him but it makes a great little old man name) He continued to spin the wheels intently examining them and mumbling to himself. I think he was saying there was something wrong with them. It was very sweet how the little old lady was with him. She had a look on her face that said "Oh he does this sort of thing all the time" and she simply laughed his behavior off. As we were leaving the store we walked past them again and Floyd was explaining to the young kid, bringing in the carts, what was wrong with the one he had been using. I made eye contact with the wife and she had the warmest smile. I could see how happy she was not, embarrassed at all. It was probably just another wonderful day in their marriage and I feel privileged that I got to share it with them.

Pity party reservation for 1

I have been feeling sorry for myself lately. You know the usual, this isn't the way I thought my life would go. Or I'm not that pretty and no one really likes me. Very pathetic stuff I know.  But then this morning I realized I have toilet paper. Yes you read that right I said toilet paper. And for that matter I have running water, hot or cold. I can shower, use the bathroom (indoors!) and even make sure my dishes are clean. Now how can one feel sorry for themselves with all the conveniences we have in this world today. No matter what is going on in your life it seems to me there is always something you can wake up and be thankful for. Today for me it's toilet paper and the silly little mood it put me in. 
Check please

First day of School

Pencils? Check.
Glue sticks? Check.
Crayons? Check.
Folders? Check.
Tissues? Che... I mean yes please!


The first day of school is here and of course I'm not ready. Yes I have all their school supplies, backpacks are packed and clothes are laid out but emotionally I'm not even close to being ready. They grow up entirely too fast. I wanted to walk them in and both of them said "Mom, really? You can just drop us off." When did that happen? Well I used my mom veto power and walked them to their classes but they put their foot down at the idea of a picture by their desk. A new school year is hard to adjust to. Going to bed earlier, waking up earlier and then there's homework and projects due but my kids always seem to adjust well and are actually excited about it. I on the other hand am the one not keen on the idea of being away of them for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Still we'll all get used to it and I'll end up loving time to myself. Just let me get used to the initial shock of the quiet. No whining, no fighting, no annoying kid shows blaring from the t.v. AHHHH See I'm already starting to enjoy myself.  

That day

I wish I could remember that day
We look so happy in the photograph 
I was told I chased the ducks and got so mad when they ran away
It paints the picture of a happy family, a loving family
Exactly how I would want to remember it
I bet we didn't even fight that day 
No bickering or teasing only smiles
I seem so content tucked in my mother's arms
I look just like her, except my blonde, messy hair
The photograph is a little fuzzy just like the memories
Oh, I do wish I could remember that day

Parenting tips

As I'm fixing lunch today I can't help but think of how my kids will react to it. Not that I'm a terrible cook but just because my kids can be terribly picky. For this I blame their father. The man refused to eat thanksgiving food until he was a teen so his mother would fix him pb&j. I on the other hand was raised that you ate dinner or went to bed hungry. (and sometimes you ate dinner and still went to bed hungry. Different blog though.) So with my children I vowed to find a happy medium. Instead of the take or leave philosophy I use the take it, leave it, or fix your own darn meal. Now granted I had to wait for them to become old enough to use this philosophy but at 9 & 7 I finally believe that they are. I don't know how many times I've said "this isn't a restaurant" and yet continue to treat it as though it is. Since I've yet to receive any tips I've decided to start enforcing my philosophy. With this new found method will come some trickery on my part. You may call it lying, I like to refer to it as clever parenting. For example one day we made turkey burgers and even though my kids had never had them, they are notorious for not liking things before they have even been tried. So we told them we were having burgers. Plain and simple right? Well not when the burgers are white instead of brown. As my kids argued this fact I said oh just eat it, it's good. They did and it was. After consuming every bite I let them know it was turkey and not cow. Of course my youngest and pickiest (and most like her father)still decided she didn't like it. Most of the time this trickery doesn't work on her so that's where fix your own meal will come into play. Today as I fix Parmesan pasta with tuna and try to convince them it's chicken I have a strong feeling they, at least the girl (mainly because she just came in here before lunch was ready and told me she wasn't eating it )will be fixing their own meal today or going hungry. 

Before I could post this lunch was done. Drew ate it all and loved it, Mykenzie had bread.

Petals

I found rose petals in my book
Soft and pink
At one point smelling sweet
I wonder who gave them to me
What was the occasion
It must have been you
You were the only one I loved when I last read this book
Were you mean and seeking forgiveness
Were you in love and asking for my hand 
I look for clues on the pages I pressed them into
All I can remember is how you broke my heart 
How you left me in tears wondering what was wrong with me
Still I remember loving you
After all, I saved your rose petals

Happy Birthday Sammi!

My beautiful niece Samantha is 13 today! She is growing up so fast and into such a lovely young lady! I remember when she was about 2 years old Andrew and I were babysitting her and we were on our way some where driving through a neighborhood. There were teenagers riding bikes and skateboards in the neighborhood and Dude said Sammi those are hoodlums. He was pointing to them saying Sam can you say hoodlums but it came out HoHos. "Uncle Andrew those HoHos!" That is one of my favorite memories. I have many more. And it's hard to think that sweet little girl is a teenager, nothing but a hoodlum. Ha! Sammi I love you! The older you get the tougher life will seem just remember your Aunt RyRy is always here.   

Coffeehouse

I am nervous to post this one but I'm trying to learn to jump in scared or not. I wrote this last Friday and as I'm sure you can tell I was feeling sorry for myself. And I'm also sure people can relate to that feeling.



Coffeehouse

There she was
Adorable in her dress and cowboy boots
Belting out my favorite Taylor Swift song
Strumming her guitar you could tell how seriously she took her talent
I'm unsure of her name, all I could see is that it wasn't me
I had forgotten that dream until I heard her
She had the courage to pursue that path
And with the amount of family in that coffeehouse she also had the support
Two things I never could find
As I sat and listened to her it brought tears to my eyes
At 16 I found myself in a cappuccino and knew the plan
At 31 I lost that girl in an iced mocha latte and walked away empty

Sitting in a bookstore

As I sit here in this bookstore I can't help but think of all the time that must have been put into the different stories. 
How difficult some of the words  were to write down. 
Some of them might never get picked up or even given a second glance. 
The countless hours and days that were devoted to the pages that will never find a reader. 
From fiction to non and self help to history someone took the time to work on them but no one has the time to read them
Is it better to be unwritten? 
Or is it better to pour your heart and soul into the pages even if it gets covered in dust. 
Sitting in a bookstore wondering what I'm so scared of. 

Chase

I have decided that I am done chasing after friendships. First let me state that this is in no way a pity party. And yes I realize that maybe it should be a private entry but I'm tired of keeping things bottled in. I'm also tired of losing friends and never understanding why. So my chase is over. I'm not saying the relationship is over I'm just tired of always being the pursuer. If someone doesn't want to see or talk to me I'm going to be ok with that. And I am no longer going to stress out over losing people that I thought were close to me. It's happened to many times for me to be naive in saying I have no fault in it. After 4 lost friendships I'm obviously a common factor. That being said I can't stop being me and if the friend won't tell me my fault then I can't fix it. I'm done venting. If you're worried this blog is about you then we can talk about it otherwise I have nothing else to say on the subject.

controversy

In recent news New York as legalized same-sex marriage. I thought I would take a moment and offer my opinion on the subject. Keep in mind this is only my uneducated opinion and you are more than welcome to disagree with me. First I'll start with saying as a christian I am against same-sex marriage just as much as I am against all sin. As humans we tend to categorize sin but in God's eyes sin is sin and we've all committed it, some habitually and some not. We weren't called to just accept every one's sin but to love in spite of it. My neighbor's are lesbians and though I don't agree with their lifestyle I respect them very much because they are sweet ladies who are doing an incredible job raising a teenage boy. All that being said I don't believe we as Americans have the right to deny marriage to  the gay community. We live in a country that stands for freedom and with that freedom comes the choice to marry whom ever you choose. I have heard people say that if we allow same-sex marriage it will diminish the value of marriage. I don't feel if Ellen DeGeneres, Neil Patrick Harris or even my neighbors get married it would take anything away from my marriage. And if it did then maybe my marriage wasn't strong enough to begin with. Their are a number of same-sex families that need the benefits that come from marriage and shouldn't be denied that right. Even God gave us the right to choose how we live why should the government give any less.

String of Pearls

Small, simple and pure
Soft and delicate, my pearls leave me open
Laying tenderly on my neck almost like your kisses
When I feel weighed down with guilt pearls have the power to make me feel innocent again
With memories of  a white dress and yellow flowers
My string of pearls tie me to you

unfinished

I loved school in kindergarten and first grade, most kids do though right? I remember starting to hate it in second grade. That's when the teasing started. Why you might ask? Not sure really, maybe because I had a boy's name or because I was skinny and awkward. But for whatever reason the teasing didn't stop until I finally did. I dropped out after my sophomore year. I went on to GED classes and took the test after 3 months of classes with scores high enough to earn college scholarships. I didn't go on to college at that time because I was burnt out. I didn't trust that college would be any different than high school because high school wasn't any different than middle school or elementary. Bullying is a serious epidemic going on in schools and it only gets worse over time. And what people don't realize is that once out of school the victim is still affected as an adult. It's a tough thing to overcome. I know because even though I left school 16 years ago I still struggle with the scars it left. I tend to be over sensitive when I know people are only teasing playfully and aren't really trying to hurt me. I really hoped once I became an adult those insecurities would just disappear but they haven't. Although I do handle them completely different it's still an obstacle.  All this has made me realize I have focused too much on my outward appearance and not enough on my inward. I honestly thought losing 30 pounds would fix the way I saw myself. Sadly it doesn't work that way. 

I found this blog in my draft file. I'm not sure why I never published it although I'm sure I could speculate. So here it is, it seems unfinished but I think that's ok. Life is on going and it doesn't slow down for you to collect your thoughts. So I'm just going to put it out there and perhaps one day I can figure it out. Until then feel free to add your own thoughts.

I am not a quitter

That is what I chanted to myself as I ran yesterday. And even though I only ran a mile I walked away knowing that I could be proud because I did what I set out to accomplish. I have always been one to quit when things get hard, and since not everything in life is easy you can imagine how many things I have quit. I was taught that if you don't like what you're doing then just quit, if you're not good then give it up. And even if my parents tried to encourage me if I put up enough resistance they would eventually let me quit. I'm not saying it's all my parents fault. I have been out of their house for 13 years now and still have the same mind set. I'm saying once you start the habit of quitting it's very hard to finish anything. Running has made me realize and hate this quality about myself. I have been working out for a year and still can't run more than a mile at a time when Andrew on the other hand is doing 3 miles about every other day. So what's the difference? I let myself give up, tell myself it's good enough, you can't be perfect. But it's not good enough and not that I'll ever be perfect but what's wrong with trying harder? So yesterday I ran that mile when I wanted to quit after the second lap and today I got up and went to the gym when my body wanted to stay in bed. It's not just exercising that I have this problem in. I am taking 2 classes this semester and a couple of weeks ago I broke down in tears because it was too hard and I wanted to quit. I am proud to say I haven't and I am enjoying both classes. (history more than computers) I look forward to the day when quitting isn't the first thing I think of or even think of it as an option at all. I know it won't happen over night but the more I confess I'm not a quitter the more I'll finish. Thanks to a great husband and vbf who encourage me all the time I know I'll get there.

What we ate Tuesday

I thought I would try something new with my blog and have a theme on Tuesdays. So here is the first one. What I fixed for dinner Tuesday:


I love cookbooks but hate recipes. I know that sounds weird but I like looking at the pictures then trying to figure out how to fix it myself. I usually don't even look at a cookbook just try to put something together on my own. Today I started cooking dinner this afternoon. First I cut up the veggies tomatoes, bell pepper, onion, and cucumber. I mixed that with a little olive oil, salt and pepper and lemon juice and I let that marinate in the fridge all day. Then tonight with Mykenzie's help I baked some chicken tenderloin and pasta. The chicken had some lemon pepper seasoning on it. Before mixing it all together I warmed the veggie mix up in a sauce pan. It was delicious topped with a little feta cheese or parmesan cheese for the kids. Everyone loved it!! 

{Embrace} the Camera

 Today I'm {embracing}Mykenzie Due to bad weather we have been cooped up for almost 2 weeks so today we risked the roads (which aren't that bad anymore) to go over the my VBF's house. Since today is {embrace} the camera Martha had a little photo shoot with me and ZZ. I think they turned out really good. Leave a comment and let me know which is your favorite.

 Check out the original {Embrace} blog here 

Embrace the Camera

I am finally embracing embrace the camera! I would like to say this will happen every Thursday but I would hate to break that promise.  Today we finally ventured out and played in the snow and it was so fun. But sadly there aren't any pictures. And for living in Oklahoma I am embarrassed to say we own NO snow clothes so we lasted about 15 minutes and then it was inside for popcorn and hot chocolate.  Dude went to check out the roads to his dad's shop and Z girl is with him so the first shot is of me and Drew chillin on the couch. The picture of me and Z is from last week. And if only Martha reads this at least I'll know I made her proud by finally embracing the camera!  (P.S. I am working on my poem should be up in a couple days)

 

The Giggle Girls DON"T share the track!

If you read my status on FB today then you know that my workout got rudely interrupted this morning! Let me start with a little background about my gym first. My vbf (Martha) and I work out at the southeast TCC campus gym mon-fri from 6:30-7:15 and we pretty much stick to the track with the occasional jump rope or rowing machine in between laps. There are the regulars that we see just about every morning that also stick to a routine. There's volleyball guy who as you can guess just basically plays volleyball/soccer/basketball on the basketball court which is below the track. Then there is clapper who works out on the treadmill and yes claps as he does it, not a fast applauding clap more of a slow while stretching out his arms clap. And yes we have nick named ourselves the giggle girls because well if you know us that's self exclamatory. Then the first of the year happened and everyone with a new years resolution started showing up. Still everyone stuck to their own thing, (with the exception of Steve the Thief who stole clappers treadmill but he hasn't come in a while) not bothering each other. I think its great that more people are wanting to get in shape but I am not crazy about the bigger audience we have to workout in front of. Today the gym was packed with new people and this group of 10-12 people came in all wearing the same outfit with shirts that said army across them. We determined that they were probably the national guard. They started out on the basketball court which in our crazy heads didn't make volleyball guy to happy. Then after some stretching they headed upstairs to where the track is, which also in our crazy heads didn't make us to happy. We were just walking today and were almost done when they proceed to run on OUR track! (yes in our crazy heads we own it) The track is only 3 lanes and 3 of them were running full speed on it as we were trying to walk. What made it worse is that as they were running with what sounded like a herd of elephants we had to move or get trampled on. And as they passed one shouted back "If you stay in the middle you'll be fine" but he said that as he barreled down the middle lane!! So yes I guess I would have been fine if I had wanted to get ran over! Needless to say we cut our workout short today and we blame the army. Thank you for fighting for our country and keeping us safe but could you please find another track to run on. The giggle girls don't share well!!!

I am a big loser!

I know what you're thinking, "don't call yourself that it isn't nice". But it is true, I am a loser! I have lost 28 pounds!! When I started this journey I weighed 169 pounds. I know most women don't reveal their weight but I am so proud of myself that I just don't care who knows. I went from a size 14 to an 8 and with that big of a difference I get asked alot "What are you doing?" Most people who ask I think are hoping I can tell them some top secret trick like I took a pill or special diet shake but my secret really isn't such a big secret at all and I will let you in on it right here........ready..........I ate less and worked out more! So simple right? Believe me some days it was but then others it was the hardest thing I have done lately. ( Not ever because let's face it I have had 2 kids and that ain't easy!) I have been at the weight lose for almost a year and I am still not at my goal weight. (I would like to lose another 6 pounds) When I started it was only a 20 minute work out with my VBF, just jogging/walking (mainly walking) at 5:15 in the A.M.!! As our strength and endurance grew so did our work out and we added a buddy to the group. We worked our way up to running the whole work out but then it turned to cold to workout outside. So we started going to the gym at TCC but that meant losing our very encouraging 3rd runner. But Martha and I went anyways now at 6:30 am which is so much easier! If you are looking to get in shape maybe lose a few pounds stop looking for a quick fix and get ready to work hard. Watch your calorie intake, a great website for this is myfitnesspal.com, and start with a simple 20 minutes a day till you get stronger. I have a new lifestyle now and it is better than any diet every could be!